When you change, your life changes.

Or what would I tell my younger self about my life and career today.

The last few days, there were one or two trends on Instagram that got me cringing. (there are multiple of those actually, I sometimes think wee need to bring back shame again, but let’s just not go there today, okay?)

The first one was for posts — drinking coffee with 15yo self, and the other was for stories — you when you were 15yo. It gave me those "women's magazine led by a man" vibes, mixed with superficial transactional analysis practice: what would you tell your younger self if you had a chance.

Because, honestly, I'm not sure what’s the real and truthful answer here. When I was 15 I knew nothing about businesses, software, B2B SaaS, startups, remote work, not to mention about what life really is. I had different aspirations then. I’d just entered the mathematics and science class in the school I wanted and my life aspiration was to become a teacher in that same school while also teaching at a university.

Just this month I went through a rollercoaster of onboarding into — not only a new company and team — but a whole new industry. While I’m always super-excited about good changes, they take their toll.

For me personally, it means getting a little bit into my spinning rabbit hole, and questioning every decision in my life. I was rethinking everything - should I continue my Arabic classes? Should I cancel my fitness goals? Should I stop reading? Should I just work - eat - sleep (and walk my dog) and repeat? I need to speed up or I’ll loose the race and the opportunity and I’ll be doomed forever.

Thank God for all the invested money, time, and energy into different types of therapy and coaching and what not, ‘cause this time I was able to catch the overthinking before it overflowed the boundaries of reason.

In the end (actually, in the beginning), it was fear combined with fatigue. I’ve let myself admit all the things that scared me now in this new phase of life, admitted them, and moved on.

After all, I’ve decided a year ago all my decisions will be done from a place of peace. Fear is not an option anymore.

So, what I would probably tell my 15-year old self would be: once again, we’re not afraid. But she wouldn’t understand wtf that means ‘cause she still isn't scared. She is yet to feel the misery of failing and letting herself down, and yet to listen that specific song of London Grammar on repeat in her twenties. So this conversation wouldn’t have much sense, if any.

That’s why I do that conversations with my long distance bff. And the most excited message I loomed her this month? I’ve reopened my business again, exactly after a year and two months.

This time, I’m going happy + hard, and won’t go home.

(meaning I’ll do what brings me energy as well, I’m done with the drainers)

And that, my dear friends, is quite a happy flow.

Love,

B.